Even if my heart wanted to chase yours away, I could never.
If I dared to dream beyond these claustrophobic four walls, I would never.
It was just yesterday that you promised to befriend and support me.
Your words fall into pieces reminding me that humanity is shattered.
Here I sit alone thinking thoughts I could never utter.
My mind holds them hostage for a purpose.
They battle with my flesh to break free from the cage that I’ve locked them in.
I will win this war.
Each thought seeks out an escape route - sick – tired – hungry – I will escape.
I resent the confidence that taunts my innermost being. I AM better than that.
I WILL behave better than you.
I am not like you. I never could.
Stepping forward I must lay aside the catty words and awful thoughts you think of me.
You don’t hide it well.
Did I mention I hate all of this? Every last bitter drop.
I could never...
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Just Breathe
I miss writing - I used to write for school all the time. Some day I'll write a book. For now, I'll reflect on life.
Growing up isn't easy - in fact, it's the most difficult thing I've ever done... or am trying to do.
The worst is that when you leave something - it never ever looks the same, (like your daycare or your first job.) It's even more difficult when you leave, they remodel and you visit - you feel like a stranger in a place that used to feel like home. Unsettling.
I see this when I visit St. A or Hobby Lobby - it will never be the same. The first time I visited HL after quitting it was surreal. Like walking into a time warp. I was no longer head of any departments, and the pages across the intercom were not intended for me. Unneeded. Distant. Foreigner. I'm ok with it now, but I was devastated at the time. Pain lessens as time proceeds.
I cry when I leave/lose things because I know that they will never be the same. Change - ugh - continual - necessary. I'm ok with unimportant changes, but can we leave the big stuff alone? During the past two years my life has shifted in a million different places.
2 years ago I was preparing to go to China, but not yet an aunt, and preparing to student teach, but not yet a teacher. Now I can't imagine my life without BabyJ & am preparing for my 2nd year of teaching. The greatest magic trick of life is how quickly time vanishes.
I only hope that I can soak in the moments that make up life & make a difference in the lives I'm connected with. At training last week we had to write down 1 thing that we did best. At first, all I could think of was singing or cooking, and then it hit me - I care. More than anything else, I care. For my husband, my youth, my animals, my students, my family, my friends... I really care. That's what I wrote down. I hope to be less selfish and care more often. Hopefully.
For now, I'll soak in the summer & contemplate what to do next year, when my life will shift in a million more directions... Changes on the agenda: 2nd year teacher to teach 3 subjects - reading/AVID/Social studies. Either they hate me, or they think that I do my job well... Time will reveal that as surely as it will disappear.
- Chelle
Growing up isn't easy - in fact, it's the most difficult thing I've ever done... or am trying to do.
The worst is that when you leave something - it never ever looks the same, (like your daycare or your first job.) It's even more difficult when you leave, they remodel and you visit - you feel like a stranger in a place that used to feel like home. Unsettling.
I see this when I visit St. A or Hobby Lobby - it will never be the same. The first time I visited HL after quitting it was surreal. Like walking into a time warp. I was no longer head of any departments, and the pages across the intercom were not intended for me. Unneeded. Distant. Foreigner. I'm ok with it now, but I was devastated at the time. Pain lessens as time proceeds.
I cry when I leave/lose things because I know that they will never be the same. Change - ugh - continual - necessary. I'm ok with unimportant changes, but can we leave the big stuff alone? During the past two years my life has shifted in a million different places.
2 years ago I was preparing to go to China, but not yet an aunt, and preparing to student teach, but not yet a teacher. Now I can't imagine my life without BabyJ & am preparing for my 2nd year of teaching. The greatest magic trick of life is how quickly time vanishes.
I only hope that I can soak in the moments that make up life & make a difference in the lives I'm connected with. At training last week we had to write down 1 thing that we did best. At first, all I could think of was singing or cooking, and then it hit me - I care. More than anything else, I care. For my husband, my youth, my animals, my students, my family, my friends... I really care. That's what I wrote down. I hope to be less selfish and care more often. Hopefully.
For now, I'll soak in the summer & contemplate what to do next year, when my life will shift in a million more directions... Changes on the agenda: 2nd year teacher to teach 3 subjects - reading/AVID/Social studies. Either they hate me, or they think that I do my job well... Time will reveal that as surely as it will disappear.
- Chelle
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Random daydreams...
The last 6 weeks have been a whirlwind. Teaching takes up most of my time these days. If I'm not at school working, I'm at home preparing to work. I know this will ease up as the weeks turn into months, but it is a little less than pleasant right now. One thing that makes me happy is that my students are great. I have a few trouble makers, but that's expected!
I'm writing today because I miss China. As I was preparing for my first observation, (Next Thursday!), I found a word file I haven't seen in months - "China Stuffs to Remember." It was an informal paper I made to write down all the details I was afraid of forgetting. I left out so much, and didn't add to it after we went to Tianjin.The incomplete nature of the paper led me back to my blog. I started re-reading the entries from a little over a year ago. Here I sit, eyes full of tears, remembering the sweet little ones who need a home.
All I can think of is how I need to help them. I guess most people my age start desiring a child. At this point, I'm not ready to have a baby, but I do feel a strong urge to reach out to the motherless. Teaching doesn't really fulfill that desire.
One of my previous entries was titled "Break my Heart for What Breaks Yours." After reading that again, I remember the depth of my feelings. Someday I will understand...
No real rhyme or reason for this post... just needed to get some thoughts on paper.
I'm writing today because I miss China. As I was preparing for my first observation, (Next Thursday!), I found a word file I haven't seen in months - "China Stuffs to Remember." It was an informal paper I made to write down all the details I was afraid of forgetting. I left out so much, and didn't add to it after we went to Tianjin.The incomplete nature of the paper led me back to my blog. I started re-reading the entries from a little over a year ago. Here I sit, eyes full of tears, remembering the sweet little ones who need a home.
All I can think of is how I need to help them. I guess most people my age start desiring a child. At this point, I'm not ready to have a baby, but I do feel a strong urge to reach out to the motherless. Teaching doesn't really fulfill that desire.
One of my previous entries was titled "Break my Heart for What Breaks Yours." After reading that again, I remember the depth of my feelings. Someday I will understand...
No real rhyme or reason for this post... just needed to get some thoughts on paper.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
I have a job - and my very own classroom
In case you haven't heard... I have a job!!! : )
I will be teaching 8th grade reading.
At the moment Blogger isn't being my friend, so it only allowed me to upload these 2 pictures. (Sorry Marie!)
As soon as it will allow - I will add more!
Mom & me sitting at my desk...
The work in progress...
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