Even if my heart wanted to chase yours away, I could never.
If I dared to dream beyond these claustrophobic four walls, I would never.
It was just yesterday that you promised to befriend and support me.
Your words fall into pieces reminding me that humanity is shattered.
Here I sit alone thinking thoughts I could never utter.
My mind holds them hostage for a purpose.
They battle with my flesh to break free from the cage that I’ve locked them in.
I will win this war.
Each thought seeks out an escape route - sick – tired – hungry – I will escape.
I resent the confidence that taunts my innermost being. I AM better than that.
I WILL behave better than you.
I am not like you. I never could.
Stepping forward I must lay aside the catty words and awful thoughts you think of me.
You don’t hide it well.
Did I mention I hate all of this? Every last bitter drop.
I could never...
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Just Breathe
I miss writing - I used to write for school all the time. Some day I'll write a book. For now, I'll reflect on life.
Growing up isn't easy - in fact, it's the most difficult thing I've ever done... or am trying to do.
The worst is that when you leave something - it never ever looks the same, (like your daycare or your first job.) It's even more difficult when you leave, they remodel and you visit - you feel like a stranger in a place that used to feel like home. Unsettling.
I see this when I visit St. A or Hobby Lobby - it will never be the same. The first time I visited HL after quitting it was surreal. Like walking into a time warp. I was no longer head of any departments, and the pages across the intercom were not intended for me. Unneeded. Distant. Foreigner. I'm ok with it now, but I was devastated at the time. Pain lessens as time proceeds.
I cry when I leave/lose things because I know that they will never be the same. Change - ugh - continual - necessary. I'm ok with unimportant changes, but can we leave the big stuff alone? During the past two years my life has shifted in a million different places.
2 years ago I was preparing to go to China, but not yet an aunt, and preparing to student teach, but not yet a teacher. Now I can't imagine my life without BabyJ & am preparing for my 2nd year of teaching. The greatest magic trick of life is how quickly time vanishes.
I only hope that I can soak in the moments that make up life & make a difference in the lives I'm connected with. At training last week we had to write down 1 thing that we did best. At first, all I could think of was singing or cooking, and then it hit me - I care. More than anything else, I care. For my husband, my youth, my animals, my students, my family, my friends... I really care. That's what I wrote down. I hope to be less selfish and care more often. Hopefully.
For now, I'll soak in the summer & contemplate what to do next year, when my life will shift in a million more directions... Changes on the agenda: 2nd year teacher to teach 3 subjects - reading/AVID/Social studies. Either they hate me, or they think that I do my job well... Time will reveal that as surely as it will disappear.
- Chelle
Growing up isn't easy - in fact, it's the most difficult thing I've ever done... or am trying to do.
The worst is that when you leave something - it never ever looks the same, (like your daycare or your first job.) It's even more difficult when you leave, they remodel and you visit - you feel like a stranger in a place that used to feel like home. Unsettling.
I see this when I visit St. A or Hobby Lobby - it will never be the same. The first time I visited HL after quitting it was surreal. Like walking into a time warp. I was no longer head of any departments, and the pages across the intercom were not intended for me. Unneeded. Distant. Foreigner. I'm ok with it now, but I was devastated at the time. Pain lessens as time proceeds.
I cry when I leave/lose things because I know that they will never be the same. Change - ugh - continual - necessary. I'm ok with unimportant changes, but can we leave the big stuff alone? During the past two years my life has shifted in a million different places.
2 years ago I was preparing to go to China, but not yet an aunt, and preparing to student teach, but not yet a teacher. Now I can't imagine my life without BabyJ & am preparing for my 2nd year of teaching. The greatest magic trick of life is how quickly time vanishes.
I only hope that I can soak in the moments that make up life & make a difference in the lives I'm connected with. At training last week we had to write down 1 thing that we did best. At first, all I could think of was singing or cooking, and then it hit me - I care. More than anything else, I care. For my husband, my youth, my animals, my students, my family, my friends... I really care. That's what I wrote down. I hope to be less selfish and care more often. Hopefully.
For now, I'll soak in the summer & contemplate what to do next year, when my life will shift in a million more directions... Changes on the agenda: 2nd year teacher to teach 3 subjects - reading/AVID/Social studies. Either they hate me, or they think that I do my job well... Time will reveal that as surely as it will disappear.
- Chelle
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